Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
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Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.