quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
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Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.