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Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.