Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.