T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
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Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.