My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
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It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
figuring out my emotional availability:
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Hmmmmm
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…