[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
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I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
this came to me in a vision
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Hard not to take this personally
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?