This is Sparta
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Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
😅🤣😂
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Perfect
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again