My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
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Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a