WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
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Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
found my next D&D character name