Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
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I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”