this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
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I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Stop.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Favourite diary entry ever
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.