Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
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He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
The old gods are rising again.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.