The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
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Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid