What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
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*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine