Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
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Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Still my favorite headline of all time:
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
❤️❤️❤️
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.