British people be like I’m Bri ish
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I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
The three genders
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.