The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
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I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.