Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
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i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
everyone has that one prude friend
can’t talk my ride’s here
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.