Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
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Twitter fine art
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?