[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
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[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
translated into Canadian
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
This is amazing.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk