I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
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*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Spider-cat: No One Home
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.