Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
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Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
“i miss shittin on people”
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”