I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
You Might Also Like
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?