Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
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Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
doing your own taxes
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?