At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
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getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge