ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
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Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
They must have gotten it to go.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?