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FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Stonehinge
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.