One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
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I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.