Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
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when you order from DoorDastardly
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone: