I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
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glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”