I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
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[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
are they though??
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”