I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
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I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I enjoy a good short stor