Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
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My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
I can’t stop watching this.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper