Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
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[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.