Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
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everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
My brain is a bad influence on me
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Me as a therapist: omg same
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july