How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
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‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Kermit goes Blue.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.