A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
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For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
That eye roll….
I’m not lazy
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
BaD BoY!!
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them