Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
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Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store