Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
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Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.