Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
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professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
This is I, Robot all over again
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
good morning
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.