My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
You Might Also Like
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Meanwhile in Portland…
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us