My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
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“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”