There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
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I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?