FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
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I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.