When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
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There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.