[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
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instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying