*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
You Might Also Like
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I’m going to need a moment here.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.