*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
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I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
That eye roll….
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise