“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
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Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Nomnomnomnom
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.